Editor’s note: This commentary is by Peter Berger, an English teacher at Weathersfield School, who writes “Poor Elijah’s Almanack.” The column appears in several publications, including the Times Argus, the Rutland Herald and the Stowe Reporter.
Back in the last century Poor Elijah was strolling down the sidewalk across from the local recreation center when he was addressed by several anonymous youths. He could hear their comments about his face and form, but he remembered what once had passed for the greatest playground commandment, “Sticks and stones may break my bones,” so he pretended not to notice, believing that answering the mob would lower him to their level.
Once in his car, though, he had to drive past the corner where the boys were roosting. That’s when they cranked up the volume and saluted him with a significant finger. I know he wasn’t shocked. He’s saluted me privately the same way on bad days. I also know he’s been treated worse. But something made him turn around this time. He said he felt like Popeye – “That’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more.” And when he stopped and stepped out of his car, and the youths fled inside, he felt inexplicably and immensely better.
This isn’t a tirade on the shameful manners of modern youth. Yes, many modern kids are rude, and rude kids should be held responsible for their rude behavior. But children don’t hold the patent on discourtesy. And they suffer more because of it than we do. They’re less able to defend themselves.
Courtesy used to mean the way you were supposed to behave in the king’s court. There were always two reasons for good behavior at court. The first was respect for the king. The second was he could separate you from your head if you didn’t act as if you respected him.
Acting respectful when you don’t feel respect might sound hypocritical, and we like to think we put an end to hypocrisy back in the 1960s. That’s when we decided that courtesy was phony, that open and honest contempt was somehow preferable to halfhearted decency. Everything unfiltered and candid, however coarse, insensitive, or self-serving, became virtuous. Anything the least bit diplomatic, anything less than brutally frank, no matter how generous or practically tactful, became false.
When it comes to stamping out hypocrisy, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve stamped out more hypocrisy in other people than almost anybody I know. Sadly, I haven’t been nearly as successful when it comes to the man in the mirror.
I grew up respecting a lot of people in my little world. I also grew up knowing I had to be polite to many people I didn’t like, and that if I weren’t inclined to be courteous out of respect, then I’d at least better be courteous out of fear of parentally losing my head. I think that looming fear made me easier to get along with.
What we see at school prefigures and reflects the decay of morals, restraint and humility that degrades our wider world. What we see on the debate stage is likewise at once the seed and the fruit of our national decline and fall.
Today on the playing field, at the supermarket, in the unreal glare of reality television, and in the political arena, we exalt personal empowerment, the ultimate license for self-gratification and bad manners. Mediocrities degrade themselves for a flash in the spotlight, stars grapple for the microphone, athletes flaunt their egos in the end zone, and those who would be president shout each other down, engage in playground taunts, and otherwise conduct themselves like 5-year-olds.
When pretenders to the seat of Washington and Lincoln can boast in public about the size of their genitals, what was once a question has become a fact of American life. We at long last have no shame, no sense of decency.
When we tolerate, even applaud and reward such graceless, obscene speech and deeds from those with ambitions to lead us, what can we expect from our children?
Education experts, who don’t work in actual classrooms, equate punishment with retaliation, as if responding to bad behavior by penalizing or excluding offenders is a bad thing. Their misplaced tolerance harms other children and wears away the fabric of daily school life.
What we see at school prefigures and reflects the decay of morals, restraint and humility that degrades our wider world. What we see on the debate stage is likewise at once the seed and the fruit of our national decline and fall.
As long as we continue to make excuses for discourtesy, disruption and violence at school, our schools will decline. As long as we continue to applaud the vaulting, bullying egos vulgarly strutting their way to the White House – in particular, Mr. Trump – we will not be great.
I would rather live in a world where people respect each other, but given a choice between silent insincerity and the obnoxiously honest expressions that polluted Poor Elijah’s sidewalk that day, I vote for silence. Given the loudmouthed vulgarity that women commonly suffer in public, I vote again for silence. Given the choice of brutal words and arrogant gestures or decent peace and quiet, a nod of the head, a door held for a stranger, what choice is there?
Courtesy happens close to home. We need to expect it first of ourselves, and after that of others, including our students.
Here in this election season, we need to demand it of our candidates. We need to muster the courage to stand up and reject those who poison the air with incivility.
Discourtesy isn’t a superficial vice. It’s rooted in arrogance, vainglory, and contempt for other people – all other people.
Behold your leader.
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