Editor’s note: This commentary is by Peter Berger, an English teacher at Weathersfield School, who writes “Poor Elijah’s Almanack.” The column appears in several publications, including the Times Argus, the Rutland Herald and the Stowe Reporter.
There’s no actual red carpet for the Emperor Awards, any more than there were actual clothes for the emperor. His invisible wardrobe is the point of the story. Parading around in his underwear reflected on him, just as his subjects’ admiration for his invisible garments reflected on them.Our academy presents its prizes every year for noteworthy achievements in the education world. Just as the emperor’s fame wasn’t his alone, our awards honor not only the direct recipients but also anyone else who chooses to applaud their accomplishments.
We traditionally begin by spotlighting the field of education research. Last year we acknowledged a stalwart team of investigators for their finding that “direct” instruction by math teachers, along with “practice and drills,” “traditional textbook” problems, and “worksheets,” was “consistently associated with gains in math achievement,” a brave declaration that flew in the face of decades of reform orthodoxy. This year’s honorees can expect a warmer welcome for their contributions to the “growing body of evidence” of “a connection between adverse childhood experiences and academic problems.” For their uncanny insight into the obvious and willingness to boldly go where everyone has gone before, we present the Sisyphus Prize for Perpetual Research.
School officials have long recognized the “strong relationship between good nutrition” and “learning,” with the result that schools increasingly serve not only lunch, but also breakfast and even supper. Supporters, however, including food industry and education sponsors, have noted that only half the students entitled to free breakfast are eating it. Officials blame “hectic morning schedules” and “competing morning priorities.”
“Consistent with national standards and practice,” a new nationwide “breakfast after the bell” program has begun serving free breakfast to every student after classes begin, thereby “maximizing convenience.” As a result, 82 percent of students in participating schools now eat breakfast at school, which means many who used to eat at home, including students who aren’t eligible for free breakfast, no longer do. Speaking of competing priorities, it also means that meals are occurring either during class or during “Second Chance Breakfast,” an “extended break usually between first and second periods.” If you’re concerned about distractions and lost academic time, don’t worry. Officials have ruled that “meals served in the classroom count as instructional time.”
The academy applauds efforts to combat childhood poverty and hunger. However, for this particular initiative’s wholesale campaign to further transfer child care from American homes to American schools, and especially for officials’ willingness to count eating as an academic activity, we bestow the Distinguished Priorities Cross.
When a 2015 Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development international study confirmed that “students who use computers very frequently at school do worse” than students who use them “rarely,” for many schools from coast to coast there seemed to be only one reasonable course of action – give every student his own computer. One creative California district installed routers on all its school buses to “enable students to do homework coming and going from school.” Now, for the first time, when an appalled teacher asks, “Where did you do your homework? On the bus?” students can proudly answer, “Yes!” The Bill and Melinda Gates Silicon Star salutes this vehicle upgrade and irrepressible enthusiasm for technology anywhere, anytime.
Narrowing the achievement gap between middle-class white students and “low socioeconomic status” minority students has long been a legislative and local district priority. Special education is one tool schools have employed to address obstacles that hamper student achievement. Over the years, however, data showing that “blacks were 1.4 times more likely to be in special education than all other races combined” have led to accusations that schools were using special ed as a “repository for black students,” prompting lawsuits and charges of racism.
This year’s honorees can expect a warmer welcome for their contributions to the “growing body of evidence” of “a connection between adverse childhood experiences and academic problems.”
Now new data suggest that when “compared to white students with similar academic achievement, behavior, and family economic resources, black students are actually underrepresented” in special ed classes. This has led to accusations that “schools have low expectations for black students,” and will doubtless prompt new lawsuits and charges of racism. In anticipation of the courtroom dramas that lie ahead, we present future litigators, litigants, and judges the inaugural King Solomon Golden Scale, with matching sword.
As critics complain about high school graduates’ inadequate readiness for “college and careers,” some reformers have proposed an allegedly “bold yet sensible” solution – reduce the number of years students spend in school. Citing less than typical adolescent profiles, including a “thirteen-year-old who sailed around the world” and a 15-year-old who devised a tool for “diagnosing bladder cancer,” and the historical fact that a century ago only half of all 16-year-olds were still attending school, these experts contend that keeping adolescents in school until they’re 18 is “preventing millions of people from reaching their full potential.” The Jughead Prize for Academic Excellence celebrates their confidence in American youth’s unbridled, untutored potential.
In the wake of the Common Core “national push” to get children to “read and write before first grade,” teachers are finding that “most kindergartners” aren’t developmentally ready for a “deep understanding of what the alphabet does,” let alone to “read and write sentences.” The academy commends teachers’ willingness to calm “panicked” parents but takes special note of the teacher whose comforting words include the NEA-published declaration that despite any readiness problems in kindergarten, “all children are gifted.” The Vince Lombardi Everyone’s a Winner Trophy pays tribute to her rose-colored reassurance.
Competition for the coveted George Orwell Creative Use of Language Prize is ordinarily fierce, but this year’s winner was the runaway choice of the academy’s judges. Casting a long overdue spotlight on internet cheating websites, we recognize a “paper writing service” that prides itself on being a “reliable and reputable” purveyor of “100% original” work, which is true in the sense that it’s somebody’s original work, just not yours. This is a world where “100% plagiarism-free” means the people you’re copying your paper from didn’t copy it from somebody else. This year’s Orwell toasts these contributions to doublespeak.
The academy extends two customary closing reminders.
Anyone who agrees with a winner is a winner, too.
Even more important, each of us at some time deserves our own Emperor.
Even Poor Elijah and me.
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